They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
White parent Vs Arab parents
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.