Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
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The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
#TopTip
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
when mom throws a party…
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.