COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.