Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX