me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*