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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.