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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Usage Guidelines
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before