If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Holy crap this is wonderful
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.