Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
You Might Also Like
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.