Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
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this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
What a website
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Autocarrot sucks!
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.