Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
We have a winner.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.