Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Bloody internet 😳
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!