My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You Might Also Like
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?