Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Worth a try
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass