I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”