Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Care for your back
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death