Happy Halloween 馃巸
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Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can鈥檛 take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it鈥檚 just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Ha
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 馃槼
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I think my mom just blocked me
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they鈥檙e hiding from The Predator.