doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.