Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
These are my roll models.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.