A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My purse is deeper than some people.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog