FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”