Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?