I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Breaking news:
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”