Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
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I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂