I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.