Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Oh we’ve met.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized