beware of dog
(jukin media)
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.