Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice