[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
They’re the worst 😩
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right