you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.