Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings