i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
When news reporters do sports stories
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.