No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
You Might Also Like
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”