[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Pikachu found the lost joint
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow