If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I think I’m having a stroke
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
It be like that sometimes 😆
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…