Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Not today.. 😂
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.