We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older