*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?