advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
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It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Are we there yet?…
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”