New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
LOL
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids