The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Steam Forums
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call