Netflix and awkward silence?
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Who’s your best friend?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults