*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?