so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
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*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Natty or not?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
David Attenborough, the confusing early years