#Thanos #MondayMood
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Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about