Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.