I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running