INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
That’s not how days work.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.