*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
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My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.