I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
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My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Yeah. This was me today.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
i hate you platonically
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.